Dwindling Light

Alright.

Let's start with common disturbances in the flow and message of the poem.

1. Punctuation- Punctuation is a very effective tool in poetry. It can help guide the thoughts and solidify their meanings. However, the sporadic and random use of commas in this poem throw it all of. Take the first stanza for example. The self-questioning/ridiculing tone of the 3rd and 4th lines loses it's meaning. Another issue lies with no comma followed by a comma in a parallelism structure/syntax. It lacks consistency and throws everything wonky. Most of the commas add an unnecessary pause, or should be a semi-colon.

2. Over-explanation- Stanza 4 is the main issue here. You have already outlined the struggle of what you are vs what you think you are vs what everyone/society thinks you are. This whole stanza is fluff. You also tend to explain your imagery(ie shadowy figures in stanza 5) and that makes the image lose a lot of its artistic allure. The point of adding it is to make the reader labor over all the things it could mean.
Keeping on this same point, look to the last stanza. The second line flows awkwardly because the tense shifts back to a reflective now rather than just reflective/pondering. The imagery of god could be elaborated a bit more upon. There is some really meaningful junk set up there. It opens up to the "how much of this can I really take" followed up with "is it the same amount as everyone else?" followed up with the real kicker "is all of this just in my head?" That's where you can revamp the 4th stanza while adding a smooth transition out of the solely contemplative feel.

3. Diction- My main gripe is the last line of the last stanza. Do you really mean to infer that no one is allowed to be happy because you are struggling with the way you think society is perceiving you? Do you assume that your struggle with self image is unique? Doesn't that make you just like everyone else? If you are going to impact this out, make it count. You are portraying your speaker as someone who thinks too much. Nothing is outlandish or illogical when you analyze it for far too long.
Let's look at another example. "They start to bleed" Who's skin was ripping? The speakers or the shadows? Since when do shadows have skin? Last i checked shadows aren't usually defined or rigid. The imagery is lost when you actually read the words written on the page and allow yourself to be the speaker. That stanza is another tense shift ("i'm surprised"). Is this happening right now, because the stage the first stanza sets suggest that this is reflective.
Watch your words.

4. Title- the title works nicely with the short shadows imagery, and the sense of losing oneself to stereotypes and "acceptable behavior." however it does not encompass the poem as a whole, rather it singles out a lesser theme. That shadow imagery is not a major player or motif in the poem. The despairing funeral drudge nature of societies images have blocked out light all together. It isn't dwindling when the speaker is desperately trying to conform, even if they are questioning said conformity. The goal of the poem is lost in this wanton, so to speak.

5. What about society is getting under your skin? Is it the "perfect woman" stereotype? Is it the patriarchal nature that we are all suppose to ignore? Is it bullying that one kid who really really likes horses? Is it our foreign policy? Is it the ghetto thug attitude cultivated by white men shooting black boys? What is irking you? You say society is changing you, but how? What do they/we want you to become that you don't think you are? Take a stand if your going to write something condemning the modern world. There is plenty to choose from.

Overall, this is not a very original piece. Everyone feels pressured by society in some form or other. What really matters is how you deal with it. You start describing how the speaker handles it, but its cut short. There is a lot of emotion and plenty of statements to be made here, and you think things through well enough to reach hidden conclusions. You hint at your ability to be a Winston(main character in the book 1984). You see what is wrong, but know that there is no way to stop it so you cower in your journal(summation of the story if you have not read it). Alluding to that story could add a whole nother dimension to this piece. Now you are directly accusing society of being not only narrow minded, but dis-topian.

You have a great ability to think past what we are seeing. Expand upon that fan-freaking-tastic power of yours and give me something that makes me scared to go outside. Make me fear for my originality in this day and age. Make me nervous that someone is judging me for my thoughts. You can do it! If anything, you probably already have for most people. I am just picky haha. I except nothing but your best! Keep writing! You're golden!